Assumptions #2

In this post on assumptions I want to look at things from a different angle.  I wanted to put myself back into my old shoes.  Back in the days when Mark was still part of the predominant Christian culture in this country.  I wanted to see if I could figure out why the me I used to be couldn't accept someone who believed the way I now believe.

I think it boils down to two things.  The first one and easiest one to point out is because it was contrary to everything I had been taught.  I mean if your pastor says church attendance is important then it has to be, right?  After all in the modern Christian culture we willingly place pastors in a position as mediators between ourselves and God.  We rely on them to tell us what to believe about all things pertaining to God.  If you are willing to even consider a different belief than the one you have been taught by your pastor and/or church then you have to consider the possibility they could be wrong.  If you are going to give someone so much control over your walk with Christ you really don't want to even think they could be wrong.

The second one is the one that really piqued my interest though.  The reason it really interested me was because this was the one that was the hardest for me to overcome.  Over the course of thirty years I did countless things that I didn't want to or didn't feel like doing as part of that culture.  I did them because I was taught they were required.  I thought I was obligated to do them.  I couldn't begin to count the number of times I went to church or did other churchy things not because I wanted to, but out of a sense of obligation.  I counted these things as sacrifices made to God.  I thought I was earning brownie points with Jesus.

There was the time I wanted to give money to a fundraiser for a family who had recently had a child born with a physical deformity.  It was going to cost them an enormous sum of money to take care of their newborn.  I wouldn't give because to do so would have meant that I wouldn't have enough money to pay my tithes.  I had been taught that you absolutely must give 10% to your church, and only after that could you give money to something else.

You see to even consider that it was ok for a Christian to operate outside the accepted Christian culture would have meant to consider that I had done all these countless things when they weren't required.  It would mean I did them when I didn't want to do them.  It would be to invalidate so much of what I did.  It would mean I wasn't earning those Jesus brownie points I thought I was earning for three decades. 

It was at this point that it suddenly hit me.  My walk with God for all those years was about me.  It was about being good enough to earn his love.  It was about earning enough brownie points to be worthy of my salvation.  I wanted a relationship with God based on works because it made me feel good.  I was satisfying my own ego.  To accept a God that showed me true grace, mercy, and unconditional love meant I had to admit I could never be good enough on my own.  It meant he loved me despite the fact I was wretched.  It meant I could never earn it.  It meant admitting that the only hope I had of not being wretched came from that same mercy and grace.

In the end I guess you could say that I have come to understand the assumptions others make about me.  I see now that perhaps the things they think and say are more about them than they are me.  The grace and mercy I have come to embrace is a threat to those trying to live by works.